I've noticed that realizations about myself do not always come in such a way as to make me feel...particularly good about them. At some point (recently), I realized that I was no longer concerned about dating/being in love/being in a relationship and all that jazz that is supposed to come with romantic love. It simply matters far less to me now than being my restless self. To be fair, it mattered far too much in my twenties and I could never make heads nor tails of it, but kept trying anyway. Subconsciously I must have come to the conclusion long ago that I couldn't do it right, so I should just stop doing it. Casual sex holds little appeal, so there's that then.
Sometimes there are moments of loneliness, of wanting someone else to take the reins, etc. More often than not, I just want to run away. I'm good at that. And my mother's always told me that one should stick to what one is good at. Although she didn't use "one" because that's far too Virginia Woolf-y for her.
Anyway, the world has opened itself up to me in ways that are almost obscene since that realization. But that doesn't mean that all ways are open, just different ones. Things have shifted. You wake up one day realizing that you've been trying to stuff your personality into a pretty little box that it obviously wasn't meant for and it's just not going to work anymore. What to do?
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