Dear Bach,
It has been twelve days since I last got more than a couple hours of sleep at a time. Thank you for accompanying me on this adventure, along with Albinoni, Mozart, Chopin, Handel and Mendelssohn. Y'all are freaking fabulous and shit.
Deliriously/Mildly Psychotically Yours,
Jae
Twelve days is just too damn long to feel vaguely bad. That's what I feel: vaguely ill, lightly nauseated, mildly wakeful. Mediocrity, thy name is...well, "undiagnosed issues" is as close as we're going to get right now. I think it's the hormones. The Pill = Root of all Evil. No more hormones for me. In addition to the Levora making me the angriest woman alive for a whole week, it looks like going between two different types of the pill made me wonky in all kinds of ways. Of course, there's also the stress:
Work is an utter mess. I work with the oddest group of people. We're short-staffed and instead of wanting to make things better, everyone seems to be devoted to making the situation as unbearable as possible. However, I have to accept some blame: I am allowing them to drive me crazy.
The fire from September still weighs on my mind. I seem to be forever regretting being careless with who my insurance carrier for renter's was. The problem is fixed now, but I can't undo the situation that the negligence caused me in the first place. The only thing worse would have been to not have insurance at all. I try to remember that while the people who my insurance company didn't pay are calling me and demanding payment.
Back to the hormones: I was warned that they might make me gain weight, at least retain water, but I was so convinced it would be all right. Boy, was I wrong. I went on a seriously unfun nutritionist-mandated diet to help with this, but it hasn't helped because my system is so jacked up already. Or maybe it has helped, but I can't tell past the nausea that is being caused by something else? Grrrreat.
And the trip. I am excited about going to Italy, though nervous about traveling. I'm not freaked out, in fact I don't really think much about it, but I have a feeling it's still a contributing factor. Kind of like not being able to sleep on Christmas Eve because you can hardly wait to get up and see what you got. Only without the papercuts. I can hardly wait to see my mom, my stepdad, my puppers, the alien kitties. And I know I won't have a single bored moment there, not with all the newness and strangeness around me. It makes my fingers itch for a pen and a decent travel journal (and I have both, just waiting for abuse). I've been looking forward to this for months and now it's ten days away.
But with the nausea, I have tension headaches (mild, of course, but terribly annoying, lingering little bastards) and I just can't sleep. I can lie in bed and doze off for an hour or so, but then I'm awake again. It started out with just waking up briefly, then immediately falling back to sleep. By now it's progressed to simply being wide awake and bored out of my mind. My head and my eyes are sore, so I don't fancy reading or watching a movie and certainly not more exercise. I've already taken the Ambien I was prescribed (third night and still no results) and I have no idea if it's a low dosage or what and here is the best part: My doctor will be out of the office tomorrow. So I have to call the advice nurse and beg for help from them. I also have the option of taking my largest frying pan and knocking myself unconscious with it. Anything for sleep, for god's sake.
Until then, thank you, Jean-Yves Thibaudet for the lovely score you wrote for the most recent version of Pride & Prejudice.
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