Down the Rabbit Hole

"Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next."
-Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)

Dear Kelly,

I - like so many other people I know - hate my job. There was a time when I would have just found something else. I've left a total of five jobs in my life due to some sort of unhappiness. When I was younger and I was working for someone who bullied me, I simply left. As I got into my mid-twenties I grew a thicker skin and a bit of a justice-league complex (remember those days?) and actually tried to fix the problems. Unfortunately, all it led to was more getting shoved around, instead by people up the chain of command (the ones who claimed they would help me). I learned that keeping my mouth shut sometimes could actually be helpful, as some situations resolved themselves. When I finally left that company altogether, I suppose I thought that things would improve. In reality, it is not necessarily public vs private sector or one company/agency vs another. It is the individuals whom you work with that create the bulk of the problem.

So now I find myself working for a place that already had a horrible reputation for being poorly run (if only I had known) and I get to live through evidence of that on a daily basis. I turn these experiences into funny stories for my mom whenever possible, since she has shared so many similarly entertaining stories about her own career with me. However, lately I have a harder time finding anything funny about the situations I end up in or watch happening around me. The sneakiness, the in-fighting, disrespectful behavior, lack of gratitude - all are getting to be a little much for me. What's worse, the bad behavior is coming from management as much as my peers. More and more lately, I feel like I am about to drown in the muck these people have created.

The worst part is that the remnants of that justice-league part of me (can you believe it still exists, Kel?) have been trying to find ways to help. Very, very carefully, this time. It feels damning every time it gets thrown back in my face. For the past two weeks I had been asking each of my co-workers to contribute their input to presenting an option to our current schedule, something that we had all talked about wanting, since we are short-staffed. I asked them what hours they wanted, which shift they preferred, how they felt about it, if they wanted to see what I had done so far. Then, last night, I got a call from Management, letting me know that they had received complaints about the proposal from those same people I had been trying to include. Evidently, the biggest complaint was that they wanted to feel "more included" on the process. I told my caller what I had done to include everyone and let her know that if they have not felt a part of it, they had no one but themselves to blame. From her response, I could tell she was not listening. This was not really about getting something resolved, she simply called to stir the pot, to claim everyone was against me. Why would someone do this? Make a bad situation worse on purpose? Simply because they can, maybe? Beyond that, I cannot even guess, I simply do not think like these people do. And thank god for that.

It is hard to return to a job that disgusts and dissatisfies me, but I have found that I can actually be quite positive while on the job because many of the things they do are so damn ridiculous. Anything you can laugh at, you can survive. However, when I get home, things weigh heavily on me and I cannot allow that. So, what is a girl to do?

Oddly enough, I have found the perfect solution in the How To aisle of my local bookstore. It started just a couple of days ago, when I had a horrible panicked thought, "Oh my god, I'm not good at anything anymore." I was once a good writer, but I have let that muscle atrophy on and off again so much over the last several years that it doesn't feel like a talent I can claim anymore. Although I have every intention of taking classes to correct that, they cost quite a bit of money that I do not have, so they will have to wait. However, there is no need to despair, I have so many other things that I could stand to learn.

I am currently reading Houseplants for Dummies. Seems a bit ridiculous, no? Well, I've always had a black thumb, but I love the way plants lend health and beauty to a home and I have always wanted to learn how to take care of them. Besides, this whole habit of buying them and quickly killing them is both saddening and expensive. There is, of course, a chance that simply being around me is enough to kill greenery, but this is my chance to find out if it is just ineptitude and, if so, to overcome it. The moment I cracked the book's spine, I felt better about life. It seems like a huge leap, I know, but it really isn't.

I had the awful realization this morning that I cannot heal the damage this job is doing until I leave it. And I do not feel it is a good idea to leave it just now, when there are so many things that could go wrong. It means the world to me to be able to leave this job in a couple of years with a decent amount of money in my bank account and a new job lined up in another state (as leaving California has been in the cards for some time now). I am not willing to compromise that part of the plan, so I have to find a way of...I suppose, balancing out the damage to my health and well-being as much as possible. My general solutions so far are (1) learning to take better care of myself (I have several doctor's appointments taken care of and a new exercise regimen that I am trying my best not to be hateful about) and (2) learning to take care of other things. I suppose #3 will be getting back into the creative mind I have thrown to the wayside, but that will hold. #2 is the short-term solution with possible long-term rewards.

Next on my list o' learnin':
* Rosetta Stone - Italian (since I'm going to Italy in May)
* Cookery (improvement thereof) and maybe even some baking (which I always find relaxing)
* Polymer clay molding (my mom left me with quite a supply of it, along with every tool and book imaginable)
* Online writing seminars (via Writer's Digest)

I may have a typically horrible job that is most definitely trying to suck my soul straight out of my body, but I do not have to let them win. Improving myself, my mad skills (well, okay, right now that's a lack thereof), etc, will make the next year or two not only bearable, but downright interesting. There is more to life than the grind, I just think I may have been letting it get to me too much the past several years. Hopefully I can start remembering who I was before and create a new, improved version of her. Definitely a wiser version, if nothing else.

I wrote this letter to you because I think I was last truly happy cooking for you in my teensy kitchen in Lafayette (the one with two electric burners and no oven), the two of us dancing to Martin Sexton and drinking too much wine. Back when I was still writing, occasionally drawing (remember that one that was only the lower half of you seated at my kitchen table?) and never shied away from singing loud enough to embarrass most people.  Them were the days, Kel. 

Love,
Jae